a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
