I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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