That's intense
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Randomize
