My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
