So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize