so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Randomize
