Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
