hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Randomize
