My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
