I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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