ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
