i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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