I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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