I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
