officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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