dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
