you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
