just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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