I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
