I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
