she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Randomize
