Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
