Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
