apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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