I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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