No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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