the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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