You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
