My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Randomize
