If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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