Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
