He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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