grandma shit on top of the toilet
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
