she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize