Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
