I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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