nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
