Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
