I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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