I am spending my child support on dildos
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize