The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize