whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
