Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
