My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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