When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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