Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
