Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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