My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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