I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
