I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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