I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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