Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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