I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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