I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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