every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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