Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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