I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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